Live Boy

October 4, 2006

I’m sure by now you know about “Foleygate.” They are saying that speaker Hastert may eventually have to resign his position, and that the whole scandal may influence the November elections. It’s chaos. You don’t know who to trust. You don’t know what to think. But never fear! Scott is here.

1. Foley himself should resign, be investigated and, if the facts warrant it, prosecuted to the full extent of the law. In fact, he already has resigned.

2. Speaker of the House, Denny Hastert needs to explain why people are saying they informed him (or his staff) about Foley three years ago, and yet nothing ever happened. If his explanations are satisfactory, he can stay. If not, outta here.

3. The kids and their families who have had to deal with Foley should be offered counseling, literally, “on the House.”

So far, so good. But I would not be moved to write a single word about the whole issue were it not for the fact that some righties are utterly failing to live up to their “personal responsibility” ethics. In short, they are blaming everyone but themselves.

a) Foley blames his alcoholism. And he says someone molested him when he was a boy. Me, I believe Foley should shut the fuck up. The only thing he’s allowed to publicly say for a long, long time is “I’m sorry.” Nothing more.

b) The right-wing blogosphere is blaming the media and – if you can believe it – Democrats. These people need to show some goddamned spine and refrain from pointing fingers at others. Period.

c) Democrats are salivating, hoping perhaps that this will help them in November. I hope it does. I mean, I’d rather that Democrats retake control of the house purely on an ideological basis, but I’ll take what I can get. Besides, Republicans would literally be roasting Democrats on a spit outside the House chambers if the shoe were on the other foot. I have no sympathy for them, nor do I find their disingenuous calls for calm and reasonableness anything but ridiculous. Whining that Democrats are “making political hay” out of this situation is ludicrous. I note that none of them had such compunctions back in 98. Time for them to shut up and take what they so eagerly dish out.

So there you have it. The only other thing to explain is the title of this post. For those who don’t know, “live boy” refers to an old saying attributed to Edwin W. Edwards, former governor of Louisiana, who suggested that he could not lose the election unless he was “caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.” Props to Jay over at Folkbum for hipping me to the origins of this great quote.


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  1. Zero comments about this one? I can’t believe it. Governor Edwin Edwards, who was an out-an-out crook and a public womanizer, was elected on his final try because he had the good fortune of running against David Duke, former Klan leader and white supremacist. (That’s kind of redundant, I guess. I’ve known of no Klan leaders who were calling for racial tolerance.)

    Edwards’ most notable bumper sticker was the famed, “Vote for the Crook–It’s Important.” He was famous for posing in front of the state airplane with the bimbo-of-the-weekend on his arm prior to leaving for a gambling junket to Vegas. Still, Duke almost won, carrying more than 55% of the pigment-challenged vote. Edwards got 96% of the black vote to eke out a victory. Family members quietly committed the other 4% of black voters.

    Duke enjoyed a political resurgence after some slight plastic surgery and a name change, followed by a move to New York City, where he is known as Rudloph W. Giuliani. The closest he came to revealing his former identity was when he chose “Take Back New York” as his campaign slogan when running against the city’s first, and to-date only, black mayor, the great David Dinkins.

    If you are not aware of the Assimilated Press blog, you should be. Its coverage of the Foley affair has been excellent.

    FRIDAY, OCTOBER 06, 2006

    Hastert Claims He Was Molested by Bill Clinton

    Washington, D.C. – In a very strange development, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert is now saying that several years ago he was molested by then President Bill Clinton and that post traumatic stress disorder from that event is the reason he reacted so slowly in dealing with the Mark Foley scandal. Hastert further stated that he believes that the entire Republican leadership as well as Representative Mark Foley were also molested by Bill Clinton which he says explains why the episode with the congressional pages happened in the first place.

    Said Hastert, “At first, I repressed the abuse I suffered from Bill Clinton. Then, in the last day or so, it came back to me all at once. My therapist called it memory recovery and said it is common when someone is subconsciously hiding something that traumatized them a long time ago. As I thought about it more and more over the last 24 hours I realized that this whole matter of Representative Foley’s sexual misconduct and the lack of response by the Republican leadership is actually a Democratic scandal that is Bill Clinton’s fault. If Bill Clinton hadn’t molested me, Mark Foley and the entire Republican leadership none of this would have happened.”

    Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has contacted former independent counsel Ken Starr and instructed him to reopen his investigation of Bill Clinton in order to pave the way for the prosecution of the former president.

    THURSDAY, OCTOBER 05, 2006
    Pages Declared Enemy Combatants & Sent to Guantanamo

    Washington, D.C. – In a last ditch effort to save the Republican Party from losing one or both houses of Congress, President Bush today signed an executive order declaring that all congressional pages who had contact with Representative Mark Foley were operating against the welfare of the United States and are therefore to be designated as Enemy Combatants. Shortly after this declaration was released, agents from the Department of Homeland Security detained all pages who fit this description and transferred them to Guantanamo for interrogation.

    Weighing in on this controversy several hours later, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said, “Now that this issue involving inappropriate conduct between the pages and the Republican leadership has become a matter of national security, all documents, memos and e-mails are hereby classified as top secret and will not be available to the public or investigators. I am also instructing the Speaker of the House that it is in the best interests of the country that there be no more comments from him or any other Republican members of Congress on this issue. As far as we are concerned, we have removed the threat these pages presented to the security of America and now the matter is closed.”

    Following the President’s declaration and the statement from the Attorney General, Fox News ran a special program featuring Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter. The program was called Satan’s Pages Defeated By God’s President, A True Story and it highlighted the heroic attempts by the Bush administration to keep the country safe from the renegade congressional pages who flouted their sexuality in an attempt to subvert the safety of the American people by disrupting the work of Congress. The program included several new songs by Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith.

    In an unrelated development, Karl Rove was seen talking with representatives of the Diebold Corporation.

  2. Brilliant.

  3. 1. Agree
    2. Agree
    3. Agree

    a. Agree. I’ve heard all I want to from Foley.
    b. I hope you won’t find that from me.
    c. I think it will and hopefully teach the Republicans a few lessons.

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