Posts Tagged ‘billoreilly’

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Notes from the front

December 9, 2008

People have been asking me: so how’s the war going? No, I’m not serving in Iraq or Afghanistan; they mean the War on Christmas! Here at scottfeldstein.net I take the WoC very seriously and I’m pleased to report that this year’s battle is going exceptionally well. First I went to my local Wal-Mart.

Me: From now on you’re to substitute the word “holiday” for “Christmas”–or else!

Manager: What are you talking about?

Me: Ha! As if you didn’t know. I’m a soldier in the War against Christmas, pal, and you’ve just been fragged. Fragged with with non-fat, politically correct, atheistic shrapnel, but fragged nonetheless. Now change your store signage to say “happy holidays” instead of using the C-word!

Manager: Actually retailers changed a lot of that years ago because we wanted people to buy Hanukkah gifts as well as Christm-

Me: Don’t say that word! I’ll be expecting to see tears on the faces of Christian children before the day is out, capice? Hey, do you still have that deal on the six quart crock pot?

Manager: I think you need to leave now.

Score one for us Christmas haters! W00tt!!1 But there was more to be done. Christmas is a tricky adversary. It sets up its strongholds in the most insidious places: our homes! I had to confront my neighbors.

Me: It has come to my attention, neighbor–if that’s even your real name–that you have completely ignored repeated commands to abandon Christmas.

Neighbor: Is that you, Scott? What are you doing in my chimney dressed up as a ninja?

Me: It’s judgement day. You had numerous chances to comply. We demanded that you tear down your lights and pack up your nativity scene, but did you listen? Nooo.

Neighbor: Don’t be ridiculous. Nobody has ever asked me to do any of those things. Are you feeling okay?

Me: Destroy this stuff immediately!

Neighbor: Dude, I can see your own Christmas tree from here.

Things got ugly after that and unfortunately I had to retreat, weakened by an onslaught of eggnog and other Christmas beverages. An hour later I staggered home, knowing that I would return to fight another day.